Being the "reliable" family member can strain your marriage if constant availability to relatives takes priority over your partner, making boundary-setting essential.

Relationship experts are increasingly warning that failing to establish firm boundaries with extended family members can introduce toxic resentment and fundamentally destabilize even the healthiest of marriages.

In the context of tight-knit East African communal structures, navigating the delicate balance between honoring familial obligations and protecting the sanctity of a nuclear marriage is an urgent, modern sociological challenge.

The Hidden Cost of Being the "Reliable One"

Within many families, there is often one individual designated as the dependable problem-solver—the person everyone calls in times of financial crisis, emotional distress, or logistical need. While holding this title can invoke a sense of pride and filial duty, it frequently exacts a heavy toll on their marital relationship. When a spouse is perpetually on call for their parents or siblings, the emotional energy, time, and financial resources that should be invested in their partner are systematically drained. This dynamic slowly cultivates a profound sense of neglect and resentment within the marriage, as the other spouse begins to feel secondary to the demands of the extended family.

According to principles established by the Gottman Institute, a successful marriage requires a protected space where the couple consistently turns toward each other. When an individual continually turns toward their relatives instead, the foundational trust and intimacy of the marriage are severely compromised. The constant invasion of marital space by outside crises leaves the neglected spouse feeling unheard, undervalued, and emotionally abandoned.

Navigating Cultural Expectations in East Africa

Setting boundaries is particularly complex in East African societies, where communal living and the concept of the "black tax"—the financial support professionals are expected to provide to their extended families—are deeply entrenched cultural norms. Refusing a request from a parent or sibling is often met with immense guilt and accusations of selfishness or cultural abandonment. Consequently, many married individuals suffer in silence, sacrificing their marital harmony to maintain peace within the broader family structure.

However, modern relationship counselors advocate for a paradigm shift. They argue that protecting the marriage must take precedence. This does not mean abandoning family, but rather establishing clear, mutually agreed-upon limits regarding financial contributions, time commitments, and the level of involvement relatives have in marital decisions.

Practical Steps for Establishing Boundaries

• Prioritize regular, uninterrupted quality time with your spouse, free from extended family interference.
• Establish an agreed-upon financial budget for assisting relatives, preventing unexpected monetary drains.
• Learn to respectfully say "no" or "not right now" to non-emergency requests from siblings and parents.
• Present a united front as a couple when communicating new boundaries to the extended family.

The process of boundary-setting is rarely seamless. It often requires enduring an initial period of pushback and discomfort as the extended family adjusts to the new dynamic. Yet, the long-term benefits are undeniable. By enforcing these necessary limits, couples create a secure environment where their relationship can flourish, ultimately building a stronger, more resilient partnership.

A healthy marriage serves as the bedrock of a stable society; ensuring its survival requires the courage to prioritize the partnership above all other relationships.

"Your primary allegiance shifts the moment you say 'I do'; protecting that bond is your highest duty," a leading Nairobi marriage counselor advised.