A dream courtship can quickly curdle into a nightmare when, just weeks before the wedding, one partner becomes cold, critical, and distant. For many Kenyans, this sudden change is confusing and deeply isolating, especially after dowry has been paid and the church announcements made.

This isn't just a case of 'cold feet'; it's a complex emotional storm that experts say is more common than most couples think. The immense pressure of planning a wedding, coupled with the life-altering reality of marriage, can trigger significant anxiety, which may manifest as irritability, avoidance, or doubt.

Understanding the Sudden Shift

So, why the drastic change? Pre-wedding anxiety stems from a variety of fears. Some individuals may question their own readiness for marriage or their ability to be a good spouse. Others might fear the loss of independence or how their life will fundamentally change after the vows are exchanged. These anxieties can cause a person to withdraw as they grapple with one of life's biggest commitments.

It's also possible that unresolved issues within the relationship are bubbling to the surface. The finality of marriage can act as a magnifying glass, making small, lingering problems—like differing values or communication styles—seem insurmountable. According to research, unresolved premarital doubts can be linked to lower marital satisfaction down the line.

What's Behind the Anxiety?

Experts point to several common triggers for this pre-wedding stress:

• Fear of Commitment: The concept of 'forever' can be overwhelming, leading to panic about being trapped or losing personal freedom.
• External Pressures: Expectations from family and society can intensify anxiety, making the wedding feel more like a performance than a personal commitment.
• Financial Worries: The cost of the wedding and future financial merging is a significant source of stress for many couples.
• Past Experiences: Negative experiences from previous relationships or family history can surface, creating fear that past patterns will repeat.

A Bridge, Not a Battle

The way couples communicate during this period is a critical indicator of future marital success. Ignoring the behaviour or becoming confrontational is unlikely to help. Instead, creating a safe space for open discussion is essential. Nairobi-based marriage counsellor Faith Njogu emphasizes that pre-marital counselling can help couples navigate expectations and improve communication before walking down the aisle.

Therapists suggest a calm, non-judgmental approach. Instead of saying, "Why are you being so rude?" try expressing your own feelings: "I've noticed you seem distant lately, and it's making me feel worried. Can we talk about what's on your mind?" This approach invites cooperation rather than defensiveness. It's crucial to listen to learn, not to dismiss your partner's concerns.

Calling upon your partner as an ally, rather than an adversary, reinforces that you are a team. If direct conversation proves difficult, seeking guidance from a trusted family member, religious leader, or a professional counsellor is a wise step.

While this period is painful, it can also be an opportunity. It is a glimpse into how your partner handles stress and adversity. Successfully navigating this challenge together by fostering open communication and mutual support can lay a stronger, more honest foundation for the marriage to come.